OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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