I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
