Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
