I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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