btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
