Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
