I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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