Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize