aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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