I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
