I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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