Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
