I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
