When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
