She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
