how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
