420 ftw
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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