She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
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i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
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We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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