In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
