In America we eat man semen.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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