A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
