Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
