***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
