I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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