If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
