i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.