I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?