i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
