then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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