I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
