Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
