I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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