If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
