I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Your penis caused this!
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
