I wannas sexs uuuuu
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
