The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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