Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
