you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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