Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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