im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
