I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
