Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
