I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
