this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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