Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
