When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
