I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
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How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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