i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
