Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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