Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
