Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
