I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
