I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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