I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
