Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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