Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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