woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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