Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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