someone threw a dead crab at me
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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